A Modest Marriage Proposal

March 1, 2010
Freebird would like to apologize to the borough of Brooklyn for the improper use of the Columbia Street road salt pile. What appears to be a caricature of the borough president Marty Markowitz in repose being fed grapes by Mayor Bloomberg, is in FACT an outline of myself dressed as Cupid shooting arrows at my girlfriend Casey Baltes.

We did not intend to impugn the right honorable gentleman from borough hall. The original illustration had been painstakingly drawn with colored sand by the famed Buddhist artist Jeruptor Swashili, who traveled specially from Dharamsala to create the mandala-like valentine.

However, around 3 a.m. American Stevedoring dump trucks transporting additional salt obscured Swashili's design with their treads. Countervailing gusts from the Van Brunt wind tunnel distorted the image further into the final shape seen at sunrise.

The alteration ruined a planned celebration at the base of the salt pile from which Celine Dion (who turned down the Vancouver closing ceremonies to be here) would emerge on a pedestal built from salvaged Harlequin romances out of Freebird's basement. To the tune of "Be the Man," a banner was scheduled to unfurl from a nearby loading crane, stating "Casey, will you marry me?!!"

At the conclusion of her serenade, Ms. Dion was to turn to Casey and say "So Cay-see, weel you marree heem?" I would be hiding in a chartered NY Water Taxi idling dockside for the immediate getaway.

It is our sincerest regrets that residents along Columbia Street between Kane and Degraw were awoken to the Grammy-award winner screaming into the microphone "What zee sheet ees thees?!" However we do not take responsibility for the damaged eardrums of any Ikea customers passing by in complimentary buses.

Though we had a hitch, I am proud to say that, in the end, Casey accepted my proposal and we sped off not in the expensive water chariot but a speedy B71 bus.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I love you Casey!
--Peter Miller